Getting Up From the Bed I Made

I graduated high school in 1987 and began my freshman year in college. Since I was not pursuing the degree that I wanted, I did not take school seriously. I went when I felt like, did the work that was assigned and nothing more. Besides, none of what they were teaching was going to help me to become a professional dancer or playwright. I wanted so desperately to attend Philadelphia College of the Arts, but the school hadn't offered me a scholarship. Being an exceptional dancer was more important to me than being an exceptional student. I spent countless hours in dance classes, starting a dance troupe, performing throughout the city and in pageants. When I should have spent more time studying and getting better grades. Community college was my only option. The first year was a waste of time and money. My popularity and socializing was primary. After a year, I joined the Navy hoping this would reshape my focus. In a year, I was pregnant, unmarried, living on base in California and without the help of my family. I requested a Presidential honorable discharge for parenthood during war time and it was granted.

After returning to Baltimore, MD, I enrolled in another community college to further my studies. Still disappointed about not getting into a 4 year college, I did the bare minimum in school. I would register for classes and then not attend. I did not withdraw and this resulted in receiving failing grades. My ignorance and laziness created for me a path of academic suicide. In 1998 I found myself pregnant again and taking care of 2 daughters and working came before finishing school. Once again, I was irresponsible and reckless with my education. It took me from 1987-2012, 25 years to obtain my bachelors degree. I attended 3 community colleges and 3 universities in those 25 years. The student loan debt that I have acquired is based largely on my lack of maturity. By the time I decided to apply to divinity school, I needed to prove that I was a mature student who was focused on academic success as well as achievement.

My life changed once I entered Howard University School of Divinity. I had grown as a mother, a student and a minister. I had spent 9 years watching other people pass me by in ministry and in life. I wanted to be who I knew I could be. I finished my Master of Divinity degree on time, despite my youngest daughter being diagnosed with epilepsy, causing me to miss a lot of school. I pressed my way and I pressed hard. I was determined that my daughters would see their mother at the finish line. In another 3 years, I would apply for my M.F.A., a degree in dance was out of the option by now, but there was still an emerging artist on the inside of me. I pursued a degree in Creative Nonfiction. While I absolutely love to dance, I love writing just as much. The program at Goucher College was two years and very demanding. I thought to myself, how difficult can writing be when it comes so naturally. Why did I ask?

I was accepted in July 2018 and began the summer residency. It was everything that I hoped it would be. During the first semester, my grandmother passed away and I did not feel like I could finish. Was there going to be a roadblock, barricade, detour at every turn during my academic endeavors? I refused to quit. I would not stop. I kept going, kept writing. During my second semester, my mother passed away. This was unbearable. How am I supposed to pick up the pieces now. I did. Somehow, God gave me strength to keep writing. I missed a residency due to surgery but attended classes from my bedroom. I had made up in my mind that I would get up from the bed that I had made for myself. It has taken me 33 years to get 3 degrees. I don't say this to boast, but it is meant to encourage someone reading this that you too, can get up. You can get up from the bed that you made. I grew up believing that if you make a bed, you have to lie in it. I don't believe that is how your story has to end. If you make a bed that you have to lie in, you can also make the decision to get up from it.

In the midst of Covid-19 and a world full of uncertainty, I am choosing to change my narrative. I am getting up from the bed that I made. My life is different today. I am determined to finish what I start. Regardless of how long it takes, you can finish too. Next week I will graduate from Goucher College virtually with my family gathered around the screen to watch. I know that my mother and grandmother would be proud of me. More than that, I am proud of me. Nothing in life has ever come easy for me. I am reminded of a book my mother in African Methodism, Bishop Vashti McKenzie wrote, Not Without A Struggle. Getting up stays on my mind.